Monday, May 25, 2009

. . . couldn't believe myself

Seriously. . . how could I be more boring? I have nothing to show for my time. No garden pictures, no other photographs. No art, except this little piece of foamcore that I worked on a while back. The red painting I was working on is stuck. . . something is missing and I can't get it right, so I've put it aside for a while. I haven't posted here forever, and imagine, I used to post every single day. I have sold no art; I have not listed the house for sale; I have made no effort to find a job. Friends and family ask me, "What are you doing?" My stock answer recently has been "I don't know what I'm doing, so I'm not doing anything." I keep waiting for a sign, some mental clarification, some good old fashion gumption. Perhaps it came, while I was asleep. I'm afraid to make any decisions because they could be wrong, especially when I change my mind almost daily about all kinds of things. Selling and house and looking for a job seem hopeless in this economy.

For those of you who do not know, my husband moved out of the house at the end of January. He is not coming back (my decision). I have not said much about it here because the woman he lives with reads this blog. But I don't care any more. He has many problems, but the one that currently affects me the most is the fact that he has no job. I am spending my savings to keep up with daily living expenses, and I'm running out. I have filed for a divorce, after being married for 38 years, but my attorney is hesitant to finalize it until such time as my husband is gainfully employed so that he can contribute to my care and feeding. My kids are pissed off, to say the least, at their father, but also seemingly at me, too. The babies miss their Papa. The rest of my family is supportive, but the entire subject is like the huge elephant in the middle of the room that everyone is trying to ignore. I am not accustomed to doing things by myself, but I'm trying to learn. I don't like being the fifth wheel, the extra, the poor ol' Aunt Mary that everyone is feeling sorry for. And of all the shitty things that my soon-to-be-ex has done, the worst is that he took his girlfriend to meet his mother while she was in the hospital. Take my husband, if you must, but leave the rest of the family alone.

I never expected to find myself in this situation. I am sad that I will never go to Europe with my husband; that we will not celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary; that our family dynamic will never ever be the same as it was. I am going to be poor. . . seriously poor. . . and soon. I've been broke before, but I was young and hopeful, healthy and optimistic that things would be better someday. I only have a limited number of "somedays" ahead of me, and it's scary as hell.

I didn't mean to spill my guts here, but perhaps this all explains my total lack of activity here and elsewhere. I have always done what it takes to makes things better for my family; I'm wondering why I'm finding it difficult to do the same for myself.


Jazz said...

Hugs to you Mary. I wish I could help. List the house, you never know, someone might buy it which would give you some breathing room. Hang in there, we're all sending you positive energy...

Leslie Avon Miller said...

I am sending you a great big virtual hug Mary. You are right where you are of course, in the middle of a really big transition. The in-between stage where what was no longer fits, and what is doesn’t feel familiar. Thank you for your truth, and the guts you have to make this happen for yourself. Your new, better life is being born. And I do believe your life is going to continue to have joy, fun, and zest. It is on its way.

Wildeve said...

Mary, I am struggling with similar issues. If you want to talk, my email is

Catherine said...

Dear Mary,
I'm glad you've 'said it out loud'...and you are doing what you can do at this point. Making no decision IS making a decision. Maybe letting the fear wash over you, your art, your garden - maybe that will make the fear less paralyzing. Sad and mad and really pissed off all mix together, don't they? Oh, and the ex-husband is a jerk.
Hang in.

Barb said...

Probably the best thing you have done for yourself is to put down in writing how you are feeling. Saying everything out loud and acknowledging the situation gives you the power to take the next steps that you must. It won't be easy, but you will find the courage and stamina to make a plan for yourself. Little steps forward (and, unfortunately, some steps back,) each day will soon add up to living a different, but happy and fulfilling life. All the best to you, and keep writing.

Regina Dwarkasing said...

Hi Mary,

Just read your blog for the very first time, and then this happens when you have such troubles and problems. I wish I could help! Wishing you the strength and wisdom that you need,


Lauren said...

You will never be poor ol' Aunt Mary to any of us, we know you are strong and wonderful, and you deserve a million times better than the situation you've been put in, and are a gazillion times better person than the person who put you in this situation. We love you, Aunt Mary!!



Miki Willa said...

Mary, your grieving is perfectly normal and okay. I went a little crazy after my 20 year marriage ended several years ago. I was sure I would end up living on the streets. It was a very ugly and dark time. It took time, but I survived and you will too. Don't be so hard on yourself and let yourself work through it. Baby steps. Just be sure to take care of the physical you by eating well and getting some form of exercise, like walking or working in the garden. If you are like me, you will want to reject all I have said as stupid and having nothing to do with you. That is okay. At least, I hope I have planted a seed. Hang in there.

Jeane said...

you're at a hard place - I've been there - I finally got tired of doing nothing and then my world changed in a huge way and I've never looked back. :)

nancy neva gagliano said...

ok, we can't believe ourselves sometimes. it all buries us.
but your art is gorgeous, love the last two you posted.
on an UPSWING, go to youtube and search "art andrea dorfman tanya davis"
to move you along a bit. la dolce vita posted it a couple days ago, and at least toes start tapping. can't figure out your email to send it to you. but there's a smile in there.

nancy neva gagliano said...

hi.....i THINK i emailed you on twitter? not sure...but wanted you to go to youtube and search "art andrea dorfman tanya davis" for a little upbeat tune. la dolce vita posted it on her blog, and it's so spirited! and your work is so intriguing, love the last two you posted a few days ago.
anyway, i know how it life gets so overwhelming sometimes and "..couldn't believe myself" seems like a good release from the weight! i hope! best to you, in the spirit!

self taught artist said...

mary mary mary
i had no idea about all this and it doesn't surprise me in the least the lack of 'doing'(others would go into hyper mode perhaps and appear to be doing but are they feeling and dealing? everyone deals differently. it seems to me it is important to just allow yourself to be. listening is good....while i dont have your set of challenges, i too am poor now and feel the same about the age thing, who has that energy and HOPE etc?! lots of changes and where/how/when to move etc. seem to scream at me everyday.

anyhow. always easier to try to make someone else feel better and tell them its okay to make art you question (sometimes there just isn't room for creativity!) and be afraid about everything. you strike me as a really intelligent person and i think when you are ready you will know what to do and get through it. my thoughts go out to you. just try to let that anger go about how others are deciding/coping/dealing with their own existence (easy to say once again). i think everyone has difficulties and life aint easy. period.

it's just me....searching for hidden treasure said...

blessings...your art will be waiting for are not alone...

Blue Sky Dreaming said...

I know all about big transitions as I was a widow at 48 after a long marriage. You are doing your best and we are all holding our best thoughts for you. Remember this is a new beginning full of promise!

HeartFire said...

sending you blessings and a hug... know that your art is wonderful and will come again... we live in cycles and darkness always moves to light again.

Mary Buek said...

To all my blog friends: "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."
~Leo Buscaglia

Hugs back to you, Jazz. See, the problem with selling the house is that I have to declutter it, and that task is overwhelming. But I am starting today. It's the basement, the closets in the extra bedrooms, etc. I can feel the positive energy.

Leslie: Oh, I hope you're right about the new life of joy, fun and zest. That would be a real change. Love you. . .

Wildeve: So sorry about your struggles. Will email you soon.

Catherine: Thank you. I KNOW not making a decision is a decision in itself. That's what scares me. I'm afraid I'll miss an opportunity while I'm fiddling around. And "jerk" is being kind.

Barb: I feel a bit like a fool for pouring out my troubles on this blog, but it's done now. Thank you for your wise words.

Regina: Sorry your first visit was such a bummer post. Don't give up on me, I'll be back.

Lauren, my beautiful niece, you are so sweet. Let me be an example to you, okay?

Miki: I will not reject anything you have said. It's great advice from someone who has been through it. I'm trying hard to be good to myself and to everyone I know.

Jeane: I, too, am getting tired of doing nothing. And with you as an example, I can look forward to doing something, even if it isn't as much as you take on. I admire your energy and talent so much.

Nancy: Thanks for the tip and the compliment on my art. Need some toe-tapping around here, that's for sure.

Paula: I am so lucky that I haven't had a great deal of hardship in my life. When I think of all the positives, it's hard to be angry or sad for long. Your advice to "just be" is good, "listening" seems to be the right thing to do at the moment. Whatever your challenges may be, one thing I know is that you are a talented artist with great creativity. I thank you for your words of wisdom.

Just me: Lovely, lovely comment. Thanks so much.

Mary Ann: Oh, my dear. How hard for you. You give me hope.

Heartfire: I'm impatiently waiting for the light to shine again, hoping it will without any effort on my part. I need to do something to make it happen. I will. Thank you.

self taught artist said...

thanks for your comments back mary, see at least you aren't in a tight ball of complete self absorption :)
AND you are still painting, that new red one is in the zone!

Sandra L. said...

Mary, I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now. I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time with your husband. I have some similar issues that I am working through so if you want to talk, I"m at
I admire you for decluttering. My house is a pig sty. I also admire you for taking steps to change things!